


Definition Perfect

by mckinlily



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-19
Updated: 2016-04-19
Packaged: 2018-06-03 07:03:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,813
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6601435
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mckinlily/pseuds/mckinlily
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lily and the other Gryffindor girls in her year have a tradition of makings lists of the traits of their "ideal" boyfriend. It's all fun and games until Lily meets someone who seems to hit everything on her list. Has she met Mr. Perfect?</p><p>Lily's about to learn that what you think you want and what you actually need are two very different things. And perfect might be hiding where you least expect it.</p><p>All the OCs because we know nothing about Lily's friends at Hogwarts.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Beginning

The story of the lists had been told so many times among the girls in Lily’s dorm that no one was quite sure it hadn’t been completely made up, but it went something like this:

One awful rainy day, beginning of first year, Kira had been describing, once again, one of the minute and elaborate details of the future boyfriend she was absolutely sure she going to have when finally, exasperated, Eleanor yelled out, “Why not you just add it to you list?” That might have resulted a first-year Gryffindor girls all-out brawl if Mary hadn’t at just the right minute chimed in, “What if we _all_ made lists?” Mary’s idea was soon able to excite Merf and Lily, and finally, even Eleanor. And _that_ was the famous beginning of the lists. Even though the girls weren’t best friends -- they _certainly_ weren’t as tight knit as the Gryffindor boys in their year -- this was something they did together, all of them, every year.

There wasn’t a set time for list making. It just happened, a little spontaneously, every year, sometimes twice a year. Someone would bring up the lists, Kira would declare a sleepover (though they all slept in the same room every night anyway), and the tradition would begin. Each girl had her own stack of lists from the previous years, safely stashed in Mary’s magical diary, and usually color-coded. Lily’s ink was blue, Kira’s was yellow, Merf’s brown (“Who like’s brown, Merf?” “Shut up!”). Eleanor insisted on black. Mary, since she was the mastermind of it all, got pink.

And then, as Eleanor put it, came the time when they threw all consideration of reality out the window and dreamed up the most impossible men in existence. Lily described it more simply: _fun_.

The best part, however, was looking back on the lists from previous years.

“Kira, do you realize that every one of these traits describes the lead singer of Rumbling Hippogriffs? Blue hair with one white streak? You could have tried to be subtle!”

“Nice bum? Eleanor, you wrote this when we were like twelve!”

“And you said you weren’t obsessed with Josh Grosbeck! I present to you Exhibit A!”

“Ew! Remember when I thought Gordon’s hair was hot?”

Over the years, Lily’s listed developed a pattern. It started off simply, the beginning of third year, with mostly generics. “Considerate,” came up first. And “kind” and “respectful.” Over time, however, more pointed characteristics came up. “Combs his hair.” “Talks about something other than quidditch and who he pranked last night.” “Respects personal space.” By fifth year, Lily had quite the list.

  * _Humble_
  * _NOT a show off_
  * _Doesn’t talk only about himself_
  * _Doesn’t show off with a quidditch ball that has nothing to do with his position_
  * _Doesn’t remind everyone the he’s been made quidditch captain at fifteen_
  * _Doesn’t mess up his already messed up hair_
  * _Doesn’t give stupid nicknames to his equally stupid friends_
  * _Has an inkling of self-respect_



To be fair, that wasn’t the entire extend of Lily’s list. There was also, “enjoys holidays like Valentine’s Day,” “surprise kisses,” and plenty other things Eleanor and sometimes even Kira deemed as sappy. There were even a few like, “strong moral center,” that Mary called deep. But the majority of Lily’s list that year could be summed up in one, very pointed, theme:

_Not James Potter._


	2. The Middle

Sixth year saw a change. They started the lists early that year, and just as Lily’s brow was furrowing as she began this year’s list, it was snatched from her hands.

“Hey!”

Eleanor made no indication that she heard as she dipped her quill into Lily’s ink. She scrawled something across the top of Lily’s page in unfairly elegant print.

_Does not in any way resemble a certain Mr. James Fleamont Potter._

“There you go, dear,” said Eleanor, handing the page back to Lily. “Now focus on what you _do_ want.”

“James’s middle name is Fleamont?” shrieked Kira, who was leaning over Lily’s shoulder and consequently sent her ears ringing.

Eleanor just shrugged. “I have it from a very reliable source.”

Lily giggled.

“But really,” added Eleanor in an undertone once Kira had flitted away, “No one should have that much James Potter on their list. _Especially_ you.”

***

“Lily? Lily Evans?”

Lily paused on of her way out of the prefect meeting, to look back at the Head Boy.

“Sorry? Something you need?”

Benion Smicht was tugging at the ends of his sleeves, his head ducked down. He waited until all the other prefects were gone before saying, “You -- you all right?”

Lily laughed. “You had to wait until everyone was gone to ask me that?” Benion went red. Stifling her giggles, she made a show of looking around, checking that no one was there. Then, she leaned in and stage whispered, “You know, I reckon that I am.”

Benion gave a nervous laugh. “That’s -- Yeah, that’s good.” And then he made to leave.

Lily was completely bemused, but at the last second, she threw reason to the winds and called after him, “But don’t tell anyone I told you that!”

That earned her a real laugh. “You’re -- You’re really great, Lily Evans. I hope you know that.” Ducking his head, he hurried away.

Meanwhile, something was fluttering in Lily’s stomach.

***

A month later, Lily’s cheek was up against her Defense Against the Dark Arts book, and Benion was gently prodding her.

“C’mon, Lily. You’re not going to get any work done like that.”

“You don’t know that,” said Lily, her voice muffled by the pages against her mouth. “I’m inventing a new technique.”

Benion laughed but quietly: they were rather close to Madam Pince’s desk in the library.

“Come on,” Benion coaxed.

Finally, Lily brought up her head and unstuck her check from the page of her textbook, a process that took more effort that Lily would have liked in front of a good-looking boy.

If he noticed that the page had been particularly sticky because she had accidently drooled on it, Benion didn’t say anything. He straightened out her textbook in front of her and a piece of parchment. He even went so far as to dip her quill in ink and set it in her hand.

“There you go. Now all you have to do is answer the questions. There’s nothing to it!”

Lily tried to return Benion’s smile with a sincere one of her own. Benion was being incredibly nice, helping her finish her Defense homework that she’d put off until ten o’clock the night before it was due even though he still had his own Charms homework in front of him, but she really didn’t want to think about school at all. Truthfully, her mind kept slipping back to his dark eyes and wondering if they were black or brown. But neither Benion nor Professor Tanstrum would be pleased if she wrote her essay about his eyes, so she set to work, writing her name at the top of the parchment at least.

As it turned out, Lily’s mind _really_ didn’t want to focus. Finally, she set her quill down. “Benion?”

He gave her a smile. “Yeah?”

_Probably thinks I just have another question about my homework. Bloody Ravenclaw._ “I was wondering about something -- not about homework,” she added just to be clear. She didn’t want to waste his time.

“Um, okay,” said Benion. He started turning his quill in his hand like he always did when he was uncertain.

“Do you remember the first time we talked?” Seeing Benion’s confused look, she elaborated. “After the prefect’s meeting in September? When you asked me if I was all right and then just ran away?”

Benion’s face went red, and he turned his head away, as if to hide it from Lily. “I didn’t run away,” he muttered.

Lily giggled. “Well, then, why did you do… whatever it is that you did?”

Benion ran his hands over his face. “Lily, I’m sorry if --”

“Hey, forget it!” Lily hit him lightly across the arm. “I’m not mad or anything. I was just wondering what happened. Did someone Confound you or something?”

Benion groaned. “No, no, it wasn’t that.”

“So...?” said Lily, resisting the urge to put her chin on his shoulder as she grinned at him.

Benion stared at fingers plucking at his sleeve as he said, “I just… I’d noticed you seemed a little quiet this year. So I… I wondered if you were okay.”

“Oh,” said Lily.

“Sorry,” said Benion, finally looking at her. “I know it was none of my business.”

“No. That’s -- that’s not it at all,” said Lily. “That’s actually really sweet.”

Benion gulped. After a minute, he said, “Can I ask _you_ a question?”  
           

Lily shrugged. “Sure.”

“ _Are_ you all right?”

If it had been anyone besides Benion who asked that question, Lily would have immediately blown them off, but Benion looked so calmly sincere that she looked down, tapping that point of her quill on the table. “It’s just… Last year I had some -- I guess you could call it friend drama. Anyway, so this year -- well, we don’t talk anymore. It’s all right, really,” added Lily quickly. “But, I guess, it’s been a little hard.” She spoke only to her quill as she mumbled, “We’d been friends for a long time.”

“Do you want to talk about it?” said Benion softly.

Lily almost said yes, but the memories of Severus and all summer hoping -- foolishly -- that he’d come back and tell her he wasn’t going to join the Death Eaters were still too fresh. “No,” she said quietly. “Not right now.”

“That’s all right,” said Benion. “Just -- if you ever do need to. Talk. I’m here.”

For some ridiculous reason, Lily felt teary-eyed. “Thanks.”

***

“… _And_ ,” continued Lily though she’d been talking for close an hour. “He’s been trying to get me not to blow up at Potter and the Marauders so much. I know, I know!” she laughed. “You’d think I’d hate that, but he’s really got a point. Why is it my business to control what they’re doing? All it does is make me angry, and it’s a waste of energy, really. We made a deal that every time I’d start to go off on a rant on them, he’d point it out to me. And he has the gentlest way of doing it, I can hardly get mad at him. I think just being around him makes me a nicer person.”

“Ooo!” squealed Mary, suddenly jumping off Lily’s bed. “I just realized something!”

“What?” said Eleanor, who had been pretending to ignore the other two for about the last half hour. “That Lily fancies Benion?”

“That? Oh no, I’ve known that for months now.”

“I didn’t fancy Benion months ago!” objected Lily.

Mary just pointed a finger at Lily and winked before flouncing off to her bed. Lily and Eleanor exchanged looks, but neither of them said anything. By this time, they both knew that Mary simply didn’t _do_ explanations.

“Okay, got it!” shouted Mary, pulling something out of drawer. She dashed over to Lily’s bed, opening what Lily realized was her magic diary with all the ideal boys lists in it.

“Why do you need that?” said Eleanor, but Mary didn’t appear to hear.

“Let’s see, it’s got to be here somewhere… Ah-ha!”

Lily jumped at her shriek. “Mary, what _is_ it?”

“Yes, it’s here, it’s here! Look at it!”

Lily could just make out what was an old piece of parchment flapping under her nose. She assumed it was one of her lists by the glimpse she caught of blue ink, but she had no idea what had Mary so excited about it.

“Give it here,” snapped Eleanor, pulling it out of Mary’s hands and betraying her interest in the entire thing by joined them on Lily’s bed. She spread the parchment flat against the blanket. “Now what are you so excited about?”  
           

“Look there!” said Mary, bouncing on the bed as she pointed. “Line… is that ten?”

“ _Makes me a better person_ ,” read Lily.

“Yes!” squealed Mary. “That’s it!”  
           

“I don’t get it,” said Lily.

“Oh, don’t you?” said Eleanor, her usually brash tone marred a little with a hint of excitement. “You were just talking about how much you like Benion because he helps you become better, and look, it’s on your list.”

“Oh…Well…” said Lily.

“Let’s look at what else is on your list!” said Mary.

Then, without Lily being able to do anything to stop them, Eleanor and Mary starting picking out through her list, looking for everything and anything that could pertain to Benion Smicht.

“I think he counts as tall. He’s what -- five eleven? That’s tall.”

“He certainly is good at Charms. He’s got Lily under quite a spell at least.”

“Nice. Pish. Benion is the eptimony of nice. And humble. And generous. And… what’s this? Oh, outgoing. Yes, I think he counts as outgoing.”

“Too bad you haven’t kissed him yet. Can’t tell if that one’s true.”

“He does have a nice bum, though. I guess you actually put down hair, but it’s all the same.”

“Good tan…”

“Benion’s got a good tan!”

“It’s more like he’s got good _skin_ rather than a good tan. Given his family…”

“His family?” said Lily, looking up from her hands that had been over her face. “Eleanor, what do you know about his family?”

She didn’t get an answer, though because Mary was pouring over the list saying, “Well, Valentine’s Day and your birthday haven’t come yet, so we can’t say how he stacks up against that,” and Eleanor was musing, “I suppose good skin counts as a good tan.” Lily dropped her red face back into her hands.

“Please…” began Lily.

“He definitely isn’t James Potter,” said Eleanor, throwing Mary into a fit of laughter. “Can you imagine Potter in the Charms club?”

“Or Head Boy!” chimed in Mary.

“He does have black hair, though. Think you can handle that similarity, Lily?”

“Hey – Hey, Lily!” said Mary, shaking Lily’s shoulder. “Hey, we didn’t hurt your feelings, did we?”

Looking at Mary’s big, brown eyes, Lily smiled a little. “No, I’m okay.”

“Great!” said Mary. “Because from what I can see, Benion fits at least seventy-five percent of your list, and most of the others we just don’t know, so he could fit those, too. Do you know what that means?”

“No,” said Lily.

“Well, it’s it obvious?” drawled Eleanor. “Benion must be a figment our collective imaginations because no one could that great.”

“No, silly!” said Mary, swatting Eleanor with her diary. “It means he’s the definition of perfect! _Lily’s_ perfect.”

“You’re on something, Mary.”

“Come on,” said Mary to Lily, perfectly ignoring Eleanor. “Don’t you think that he’s at least a little perfect?”

In spite of herself, Lily smiled. “Maybe a little.”

***

“So,” said Kira abruptly, “Why aren’t you Mrs. Perfect yet?”

“ _Excuse_ me?” said Lily.

Merf rolled her eyes. “She heard that Benion fits all the things on your list. So he’s perfect. And you would be Mrs. Perfect.”  
           

“Stop it,” groaned Lily. “I don’t even know if he likes me back.”

“Oh, is that all? We can fix that.” Merf walked over to Mary’s bed stand and pulled her diary out. She flipped through the pages until she found the parchment she was looking for and scrawled something on the bottom. She snapped the diary shut and dropped it back in the drawer. “There we go.”

“What did you do?” said Lily.

“I added, ‘Loves me back,’ to you list,” said Merf easily. “Is he perfect now?”

People were rather pushy with her list this year, Lily thought.

***

When Benion asked Lily out (and she enthusiastically said yes) a large buzz went through Hogwarts, though they were only going to Hogsmead together. They wouldn’t be officially dating until a month later. Still, Mary squealed and hugged her when Lily told her, and Kira cornered her for questioning for over an hour. Eleanor however, and to Lily’s eternal gratitude, said nothing beyond, “Congratulations.”

Which was why, two weeks later, Lily was utterly surprised when she, Eleanor, sat down on Lily’s bed with a business-like expression on her face. “You and Benion kissed?”

Lily’s cheeks glowed pink. “Yes.”

“Was it good?”

Cheeks now burning, “Um, yes. That is, very.” Was even her forehead red? “It was very good.”

“Excellent,” said Eleanor. “Now you can cross that one off your list. How close is he to perfect now?”

“For Merlin's sake!” groaned Lily. “This isn’t all about my list!”

***

But come her birthday, Lily was the one who brought up the list herself. “He got me flowers for my birthday!” cried Lily running into the dormitory. “And they aren’t even lilies! They’re wildflowers! He hand picked them, too, the Muggle way!”

“Aw, that’s sweet,” said Mary, though Lily didn’t really hear her. Instead, she flopped onto her bed, her bouquet held close to her chest.

“I’ve always wanted someone to pick me flowers,” she said dreamily. “When I got to Hogwarts, I thought no one would ever do that for me, because you lot can always conjure things, but it was still on my list, and he did!”

“It was on you list!” squealed Mary, driving off her bed to check.

“Yeah, it was,” grinned Lily. “Do you have the list out? I think that’s the last one.”

Mary looked at Lily with suspicious, wide eyes. “You’ve been sneaking,” she said. “All this time, calling us all crazy, but you’ve been checking it behind our backs, haven’t you?”

Lily’s blushed. “Maybe a little.” Unable to resist, however, she added, “But, that’s it right? That’s everything?”

Mary squealed and threw herself miraculously over two beds to hug Lily. “This is -- This is the happiest day of my life!”

“We’re not married yet,” giggled Lily.

“But he’s perfect!”

“I know!”

Mary screamed again, and Lily just resisted joining with her.

“Oh, I know! Lily, hold this!” cried Mary, picking up Lily’s pillow. “Oh, no, but you can’t do this. Eleanor!”

“No,” said Eleanor, but she ended up with the pillow in her hands anyway. “What are you doing?”

“Hang on!” Mary ran and grabbed her diary. She brought it to her lips then held it out towards the pillow with uncharacteristic solemnity. “Mr. Benion I-Don’t-Know-Your-Middle-Name Smicht. I hereby dub you Sir Absolutely --” She pressed the diary on one corner of the pillow “-- Unquestionably --” She dubbed the other corner “-- Perfect. You approve Queen Lily?”

Lily recovered from her laughter long enough to choke out, “I approve,” and the ceremony was complete.

“There you go!” said Mary. “Benion is now officially perfect!”

Lily hadn’t felt this giddy since she was a child.

***

“Look, I’m really sorry,” said Lily, cheeks burning as she stood outside the Ravenclaw common room. “I really didn’t -- I didn’t mean --”

“Lily --” said Benion.

“No, I need to say this,” said Lily. “I’m sorry. I know I over-reacted a little. A lot. I was just grumpy and I took it out on you. I’m really sorry.”

“Lily, you don’t have to worry so much. It was only once.”

“Oh, but I was really awful.” Lily wiped her eyes. “I’m so sorry --”

“Don’t be silly,” said Benion. “Everyone has bad days. I won’t hold it against you. Ever.” He pressed a kiss to her temple.

“I won’t do it again,” promised Lily a bit stronger now. “No matter _how_ antagonizing the Transfiguration essay is.”

Benion scratched his head and smiled a little nervously. “I suppose it would make a little more sense if you either asked for help or not. Instead of, you know, asking for help then yelling at me for giving it.”

Lily groaned. “That was bad, wasn’t it? I did want help, I just…”

“Don’t worry about it, Lily,” said Benion.

“I called you an ‘overbearing digbat,’”

“It’s nothing --”

“I’m so, so sorry!”

“ _Lily_.” Benion grabbed Lily’s shoulders. He bent down so that she was forced to meet his eyes. “You’re worth more than one bad day. You’re…you’re amazing, and I want to be with you _all_ your days, good and bad. Always. You got that?”

Lily’s cheeks went warm, but in a more pleasant way than they had been for the past half hour. She brushed the tears off her cheeks and smiled a little. “Thanks, Benion. You’re the best boyfriend in the world.”

“Ah, Lily, I’m not really --”

“Yes, you are!” Lily smiled. “So I’m going to kiss you right now so you can’t protest anymore!”

And she did.

***

“I can’t believe you never knew where the kitchens were before,” said Lily through a mouth half-full of chocolate cake.

“I guess I never looked,” said Benion, shrugging.

“Seven years, and you never got _hungry_?”

“I thought students weren’t allowed here.”

“Well, you’d know, Head Boy,” said Lily, elbowing him in the ribs. “But does it _look_ like we’re in trouble?”

At that moment, a house-elf appeared at her elbow. “You is having everything all right?”

“Yes, it’s all delicious. Thank you so much,” said Lily, sending a look at Benion that sent him laughing.

Benion squeezed her hand. “Who knew prefect Lily Evans would be so casual about breaking the rules.”

Lily shrugged. “Ah well. You spent enough time with the Marauders, and you come to have to break _some_ rules.”

“How much time do you spent with the Marauders?”

Lily rolled her eyes. “They’re in my _House_.”

For some reason Lily didn’t quite pick up on, Benion didn’t look completely happy.

***

Secretly, Lily was adding to her list. This wasn’t technically allowed, but when one had a perfect boyfriend, it seemed wrong not to include _all_ his qualities. She just hoped Mary or Kira never caught her.

***

The days were getting harder for Lily. For a few weeks now, someone had been sneaking around, cursing the word “Mudblood” onto the skin of Muggleborns. Everyone knew it had to be one of a group of Slytherins --  _Severus’s_ group of Slytherins -- but the teachers were being ridiculously slow to do anything. All her friends said she shouldn’t worry about anything. She was an extremely talented witch. She was popular, someone would always back her up. She was a Gryffindor.

She was scared anyway.

She didn’t want to admit it. Bad enough being a Muggle-born and not a true witch, she didn’t need to add failure of a Gryffindor to that. So she didn’t tell anyone. Not Benion, not Mary, not Eleanor. She’d battle this out by herself.

And she got angry.

***

She shouldn’t take that anger out on Benion. She didn’t mean to. But she felt so frustrated at the lack of anyone doing anything, at her _inability_ to do anything, that sometimes snapping at him for holding her hand too tight seemed inevitable.

Lily had been trying to reign in her temper all year, ever since she became friends with Benion, really, and she had been making progress, and now --

Her temper was like a wild horse she was trying to train with a bridle made of floss. She shouldn’t have shouted at him for bringing quidditch up “too much” or for ignoring her in favor of Head Duties. But she did. A week later, she should not have stormed out of the library, telling him that way he messed with his quill was insufferable.

Lily apologized, sincerely and right away. She was mature enough for that. She always came back and said, “I’m sorry.” To make up for it, she went out of her way to make Benion laugh, even going so far as to fill his bag with flowers (That _really_ surprised him). She was trying to be a good, decent girlfriend. And actually, she rather thought that she actually was.

Except, well…

“I can’t believe it!” fumed Lily for the umpteenth time. “That snooty, arrogant, worthless --”

“Lily…” said Benion. “Don’t you think --”

“Twenty points! _Twenty!_ He made me loose twenty points for Gryffindor! All because that arrogant toerag couldn’t get it through his thick head --”

“Lily, I thought we agreed that you shouldn’t worry so much about Potter --”

“I’m not worrying about him! I’m furious at him!”

“Lily, calm down. You’re letting him get to you --”

“Of _course_ he gets to me! Oh, look, I’m James Potter. I’m a pureblood who thinks that Muggle-borns _shouldn’t_ be killed, so obviously you should all bow down and worship my moral superiority. Look at me, I’m a gift from heaven with all my tolerance and non-bigotry, never mind that I hex --”

“ _Lily_.”

“What!”

“It’s not such a big deal,” said Benion sincerely. “Twenty points isn’t much. It doesn’t really matter.”

“It’s doesn’t really matter?” repeated Lily. “That’s all you tell me, isn’t it! It doesn’t matter, Lily. Don’t get angry, Lily. Don’t feel anything, Lily. It doesn’t matter. I don’t care. I don’t care that someone wants to _kill you_.”

“Wait, what?”

“I’m angry, and I’m darned well allowed to be! So stop telling me to shut up, all right?”

“Lily, that’s not what I --”

“SHUT UP!”

***

She did feel bad about it. Later. Hours later. When she had calmed down and regained her senses. It still took her almost two days to apologize. She really did regret losing her temper. Here she was with the best boyfriend in the world, and she kept yelling at him. But this Mudblood business. She was tired of being scared and trying to hide it. Tired of being told not worry. Tired of people acting like it had nothing to do with her when every Muggleborn that was attacked was a _part_ of her. How could she not be upset by this?

On top of it all, she and Potter were fighting again when they had been doing such a good job of mutually ignoring each other this year. Why he got off on making her scream at him, she would never know. All she did know what that he, James Potter, was the furthest thing from Benion she had ever met.

***

“Did you hear the news?” squealed Kira thundering into the girl’s dormitory late one night.

“What news?” said Lily feeling someone would be forced to ask the question sooner or later.

“He got suspended!”

“If he got suspended, then what happened to the girl?” said Merf.

“What?” said Kira.

“If a bloke got caught shagging what happened to the girl?”

“No one was caught shagging,” said Kira.

“Oh.” Merf looked rather put out.

Suddenly a lot more interested in the conversation, Lily leaned forward. “Who got suspended then?”

“Alexander Nott! Apparently, he’s been the one cursing _that word_ onto people!”

“And he got suspended?” said Eleanor. “That’s _all?_ ”

Lily felt a sudden surge of affection for Eleanor Greengrass.

“Well, that’s what I _heard_ ,” said Kira, apparently frustrated that no one was satisfied with her gossip.

Right about then, Lily realized that Mary was being unusually quite. She waited until Kira was fiercely engaged in a debate with Eleanor before slipping off her bed onto Mary’s.

“You all right?”

“What? Oh. Yeah.”

Lily squeezed her shoulder. “You sure?”

“I --” Mary looked at Lily. Together, they were the only Muggleborns in the dorm. She let out a little sigh. “Cursing people because of their birth, it’s -- it’s not cool.”

Lily let out a laugh, though there was nothing funny about it.

“I wish it were Mulciber,” whispered Mary.

Lily scowled. “Yeah, me too.” She had her own issues with Mulciber. But now was not the time to discuss them. “But at least the Mudblood thing is over.”

“For now,” said Mary.

 

Lily agreed. “For now.”

***

Even though Nott deserved more than he received, Lily felt lighter. At least something _had_ been done. At least Dumbledore had made a speech to the student body making it clear that this behavior was not okay. At least she had promised Mary that she would always have her back. That felt like something.

After breakfast, Lily ran to meet Benion. With clearer eyes now, she was painful aware of how unfair she had been, and she was eager to make it up to him.

“Lily. Can we talk?”

“Sure,” said Lily, thought her idea of making it up to him had involved a different use of their mouths. But after all, she was trying to be less selfish in this relationship, so she grinned wide and said, “What do you want to talk about?”

“Erm. Let’s --” Benion gestured to an empty classroom.

Lily led the way in, smiling, but noticing as she did so that Benion looked nervous, even unhappy. Was something wrong?

Benion was wringing his hands and directed his words to her kneecap. “Look, I don’t want to -- but -- I --”

Lily leaned in and squeezed his squirming hand. “What is it, Benion?”

“I—I can’t do this anymore.”

“Do what?”

Benion gulped. Then, he looked down at their hands. “This.”

Lily dropped his hands like she’d been burned. Her hands immediately felt unbearably empty. She grabbed his again, desperately. “What?”

Benion looked miserable. “Lily, you’re great, but you’re -- You’re just so --”

“What?” Lily was probably hurting him, she was squeezing so hard, but she couldn’t let go. “What am I?”

“You -- I can’t take it. You're always upset with me.”

Her eyes prickled. “Benion, I’m _sorry_  --”

“I know,” said Benion. “I know you’re sorry. You always are. But -- Does that ever stop you?”

“Benion, I promise I can do better --”

“Yeah, you always say that too.”

Heat rushed to Lily’s cheeks. She ducked her head, but that didn’t stop the tears. She pressed her lips together to hold back a sob. She was still holding Benion’s hand, but it felt dead now.

“Look, Lily, I really like you. I really do, but I can’t do this with you attacking me all the time. I thought maybe it was a one time thing, but you didn’t stop. And, Lily, it hurts.”

“Benion,” Lily sobbed. “I didn’t mean --”

“I know you didn’t,” sighed Benion. “But you did. And you can’t stop. And as much as I like you, I have to take care of myself. So I’m sorry, but --” He took his hands out of Lily’s grasp. “-- I have to end this.”

***

Lily may have not missed all of Herbology because she was standing in that unused classroom, crying, but she did miss a good chunk of it. And she might as well have missed it entirely because she was still sniffling all through class.

Mary was a good friend. She hugged Lily and cried with her all afternoon. Kira was not. The instant she found out, she rushed over to Lily at dinner, demanding to know how Lily could have messed up a relationship with someone as perfect as Benion Smicht. She kept going until Lily threw a glass at her with such force and accuracy that she earned a lecture from McGonagall and wolf whistles from the Marauders.

***

For a week, Lily was a mess.

***

“Um, Lily? What are you doing?”

“Charms homework,” grunted Lily automatically.

“While lying on your back?”

Lily crunched up to glare at whomever was questioning her, but it was only Eleanor, and an oddly sympathetic looking Eleanor, too, so she fell back on her back. “Well, Charms homework was what I was going to do.”

“Okay,” said Eleanor. She sat down on Lily’s bed and picked up Lily’s Charms book, which, as testament to Lily’s good intentions, was lying on top of her bedspread. She thumbed idly through the pages. “Lucky you. You probably don’t even need to do the homework, and you’ll still be fine.”

“Yeah, well…” groaned Lily.

“You’re a natural. Like Black and Potter in Transfiguration. Oh don’t give me that look, Lily,” added Eleanor rather sharply. “I know you don’t like them, but everyone knows they’re naturals at Transfiguration.”

Lily snorted. “They’re naturals at everything.”

“Except Potions,” said Eleanor. “You wipe the floor with them there.”

Lily sat up, eying Eleanor suspiciously. “Are you trying to make me feel better?”

Eleanor shrugged. “I like it better when you’re happy. With you gone, Merf’s the only sensible one I can talk to. And Merf’s so _strange_.”

Lily shrugged. Personally, she liked Merf and her weirdness. At least, she did when Merf wasn’t constantly tagging behind Kira.

“Anyway,” said Eleanor, dropping Lily’s book onto the bed. “I guess I never told you, but I’m sorry Benion broke up with you.”

“Well, glad to know you weren’t celebrating with fireworks,” grumbled Lily.

Eleanor gave her an odd look.

“Sorry,” muttered Lily.

“It’s fine,” said Eleanor calmly. “Though sometimes I really wonder why you don’t like the Marauders.”

And Eleanor called _Merf_ strange. But Lily decided to let it slide. Conversations about the Marauders with Eleanor always led to strange places, places Lily didn’t want to go right now.

“So, um,” said Eleanor. “I guess I’ll just go…”

“If I tell you something, will you promise not to tell Mary?” blurted out Lily in a rush.

Eleanor blinked. “Why don’t you want me to tell Mary?”

“It’s just, I don’t want to hurt her feelings, it might be better not to –-”

“Okay,” said Eleanor. “I’ll promise. But what..?”

“It’s just…” Lily rubbed her temples. “The breakup – It’s so much worse because of – of the lists.” She felt Eleanor shift beside her. “I wouldn’t – it wouldn’t feel so much like – It’s just, he was ‘perfect,’ you know? And – And it’s stupid, but I believed it! He fit everything on my list! I didn’t expect anyone to, but then he did! So he was perfect, you know?” She sniffed, looking imploringly at Eleanor, who patted her knee a little. “And it’s just that – it’s just – If he was perfect, _my_ perfect – If he was, and it didn’t work out, then what does that say about me?”

Eleanor’s mouth popped half open as if she were about to say something, but she only patted Lily’s knee again.

“There has to be something wrong with me, then, doesn’t there?” sniffed Lily. “Because if he was perfect, what else could it be? I must be so absolutely messed up that --”

“No, Lily, no, that’s definitely not what it means,” said Eleanor firmly.

“Then what does it mean?” begged Lily. “What else could it could possibly --”

“It doesn’t mean that you’re all wrong, okay?” said Eleanor. “It just means you don’t have a clue who you’re ideal partner is.”

Lily blinked. She couldn’t tell if she felt better or not. “What?”

“If you thought your ideal partner was the type of person who would end up dumping you just because you had a bad week, then clearly you were woefully off in what type of bloke you wanted,” said Eleanor. “Which, I admit, is a pretty bad failing. But it’s not _so_ bad.”

Lily wiped her eyes. “But, when we were doing the lists, I wasn’t thinking --”

“Look, Lily,” said Eleanor. “I always thought you were describing someone way too sensitive in your list. I think you were always focusing so much on what type of person you didn’t want that you never thought about what kind of person you would actually _work_ with.”

“Is this supposed to make me feel better?” said Lily weakly.

Eleanor groaned. “You know Mary’s better at this.” She waved her hands around in distraction. “All I’m saying is maybe it isn’t your fault. Maybe Benion should have known what he was getting into when he went out with you and should have had the backbone to stick with it.”

“So it still sounds like it’s my fault.”

“Or those lists are completely bogus!” snapped Eleanor. “Really, when did we ever actually expect someone to fit them? You just happened to meet someone who you thought fit your list, so you got all hyped up, thinking he was perfect. But he’s _not_ perfect. Your list’s not perfect. End of story.”

Lily groaned a little. She got off her bed and went to Mary’s nightstand where she found the diary. She riffled through all the pages until she had taken out all her lists from all her years at Hogwarts. She took them back to Eleanor and started looking through them.

“It’s just… he fits so well,” she said, reading through her list from fourth year.

“And he doesn’t fit you,” said Eleanor. “So you were wrong.”

Lily clenched her fist, the list crumbling inside of it. “It’s just so --” She smoothed the list out again but couldn’t stand to look at it. “I can’t believe that -- It was just supposed to be fun, and it caused so much --”

“Pain?” supplied Eleanor.

“Yeah,” muttered Lily. She scowled at the blue ink on old parchment. “How could I be so stupid?”

“I always thought these things were stupid,” said Eleanor. “Not you!” she added quickly.

Lily scowled. She gathered all the lists from past years and stood up. “All right.”

“All right what?” said Eleanor.

“I’m going to burn them.”

“Burn -- your lists?”

“Yep,” nodded Lily. “I’m done with this. I’m done moping. If I was wrong, then I’m washing my hands of this. No more wishing. No more thoughts about perfect. I’m done. And I’m going to burn my lists.”

Slowly, Eleanor grinned. “Can I help you?” 

Lily nodded grimly. “I’m going to need someone to scare the first years away from the fire.”

***

In the Gryffindor Common room, Eleanor easily cleared a space for them by the fire. Six lists weren’t enough. Lily furiously, ceremoniously tore them to shreds before tossing them into the fire with a grimly triumphant expression. Eleanor sat beside her, nodding her approval.

Just as Lily threw the last of her lists into the fire, she noticed that she was being watched. The Marauders were nearby, and James Potter was staring at her. She expected him to come over to her, poking fun at her, but he merely turned away and started a determined conversation with Black.

At last, Lily stood up, shaking her legs that had been starting to fall asleep. She dusted off her hands. “Well, then. That’s done.”

Eleanor patted her on the shoulder. “So it is.”

***

September next, after the end of term and a summer had all but erased the memory of Benion from Lily’s mind, she sat on her bed, trying to organize her Potions notes that had, unfortunately, fallen out of her book ten minutes earlier and, as they were written on loose pieces of parchment, were now completely out of order. It didn’t help matters that instead of dating or numbering the pages, she had filled the margins with artistic renditions of her own name.

“Oo, that’s a brilliant idea! You in, Lily?”

“Sorry?” said Lily.

“We’re doing the lists!” said Mary. “Since we’re all together right this moment, and we’re hardly ever all around at once anymore!”

“Oh, um…” said Lily, but Mary was too busy pulling out her diary and rifling through the pages to give much notice.

“Here you go, Kira, Merf -- And no, Eleanor, you’re not getting out of this. I have yours right here --” Mary’s cheerful chatter fell silent, and Lily watched as Mary’s brow crumbled, her fists unconsciously clenched.

“And, Lily,” said Mary, her cheer only partially recovered, “I’m sure I’ve just misplaced yours. They’re definitely in here somewhere…”

“No, they’re not,” said Eleanor flatly.

Mary shot Eleanor a sharp look. “What do you mean they’re not in here?”

“They’re in the fireplace. Burned last year.”

“You burned Lily’s lists!”

Lily groaned and sat up straighter. “No, Mary,” she said gently. “Eleanor didn’t burn them. I did.”

Lily’s stomach experienced a sharp twinge seeing the shock and hint of hurt on Mary’s face.

“Why?”

If it were anyone else that Mary -- But it was Mary, and she had been the most sympathetic of Lily’s friends all through her time at Hogwarts. With Benion, and before that with Snape… Lily tugged at a tear in her bedspread as she tried to explain.

“It was… Well, you know, Benion broke up with me. We’d -- you and me and everyone -- We’d just put so much emphasis on him being ‘perfect’ because he matched my list. And, well, sort of... After it was over, I was -- Losing someone who is ‘perfect’ -- Anyway, when I was trying to get over him, I burned the lists just to say, you know, I wasn’t wishing for him anymore.”

“Oh,” said Mary. “But -- you can still do the lists this year. Start fresh! Here, I get you a new parchment --”

“Thanks, Mary, but I don’t think I’ll be doing the lists this year,” said Lily.

Mary’s face fell. “You won’t?” she said at the same time Merf gasped, “You have to!”

Lily blushed, grateful that at that moment Eleanor chose to snap, “Lily can do whatever she well pleases, so bugger off!”

“Do you think you’re too good for us now or something?” said Kira.

“Look,” groaned Lily, sliding off her bed. “I have to patrol tonight, so I wouldn’t be able to do the lists with you anyway. You guys just have fun doing the lists without me.”

“You’ve been patrolling an awful lot lately,” Kira pointed out. “With James Potter.”

“That’s because I’m _Head Girl_ , and Dumbledore asked me to patrol weekly with the Head Boy, who, yes, just so happens to be James Potter because the universe hates me!”

“James Potter isn’t so bad,” said Merf.

Lily ignored her and strode to the bathroom with the intent to brush her hair (not the she cared what James Potter thought of how she looked). She almost threw the hairbrush at the girl who followed her, but she happened to check in the mirror just before her act of violence and saw that it was Mary.

“Look, Lily, I’m not here to bug you or anything,” said Mary quickly. “I just wanted to say, I’m sorry if --”

Lily deflated almost immediately. “Don’t apologize, Mary. It’s not your fault that one of my relationships didn’t work out, and you made it really fun while it did.”

“Still, I’d hate that, because of me…”

“Don’t,” said Lily. She gave Mary a half smile. “The lists are great. Fun. And making them a tradition was _my_ idea after all.”

“Yeah,” smiled Mary. “It was.”

“So you have nothing to feel bad for,” said Lily. “Turns out, I just didn’t know myself very well.”

“You sure?” said Mary.

“Of course!” Lily waved a hand. “And besides, this way, I’m starting fresh. Somewhere out there there’s someone who is perfect for me, and maybe he doesn’t fit _anything_ of my list! I’ll just have to wait and see.”

Mary giggled. “I’m sure he’ll fit _something_. But I wish you would still join us.”

“Yeah, well, I haven’t got _time_ ,” grumbled Lily.

“Ah well, have fun patrolling!” said Mary. As Lily stepped out of the dormitory, she called, “Maybe you’ll meet your boy!”

Lily snorted. “If I do, he’ll probably be in a broom cupboard, snogging another woman.”

“Maybe you can add that to your list!”

“I don’t have one!” Lily laughed.

And, for the first time, she really didn’t.


	3. The Fallout

“If you were just capable of _listening_ for two seconds, Evans --!”

“NO! I’m done. I’m do with this discussion, I’m done with shouting, and I’m with _you_ , Potter!”

“You’re being ridiculous! You can’t even -- !”

“I’m DONE, Potter!”

“No! Evans! Lily! _Lily!_ Come back here!”

“I said I’m DONE!” Lily whirled around at the bottom of stair to the girl’s dormitory. She was aware they were making a scene, but at the moment, she didn’t care. “And don’t you DARE use your broomstick or any other silly little trick to come after me!”

Five seconds later, Lily slammed the door to the dormitory shut, red-faced and out of breath. Merf took one look at Lily’s furious expression, grabbed Kira by the arm, and fled the premise, which left Lily completely alone in the dormitory. Word must have spread quickly (or all of Gryffindor had heard their row) because no one came up to bother her for hours. That left Lily plenty of time to pace around the room, muttering words like “insufferable,” “arrogant,” and “prat.”

Without James right in front over her, though, Lily’s anger drained quickly. Relatively, anyway. After a half hour, she was able to sit down, still jittery and angry. “Git,” she spat again, dropping onto her bed. Time used to be James would flirt with her when they got into one of their rows, not yell back. Didn’t he know --? But thinking of James’s flirting brought her back to why she was mad at him in the first place, and she slumped off her bed to begin pacing again.

Stupid -- thoughtless -- what right did _he_ have to be angry with _her_?

Lily had a Charms essay she _had_ to get done, but every time she tried to sit down, something or other inevitably reminded her of James and she was furious all over again.

“I heard you had a row with James?” said Mary, many hours later. “You know, I’m sure if you just talked it out…”

In Mary’s defense, she was only trying to make Lily feel better. All the same, Lily wasn’t talking to her.

***

At about three in the morning, Lily shot straight up as if woken by _Enervate_. She blinked in the gloom, barely able to make out her bedside curtains, several things in her mind falling into place.

“Oh no.” She dropped her head in her hands. “Oh no, oh no, oh no.”

Two weeks. Two _weeks._ Had it only been that long?

“Oh _no_.”

Her stupid boyfriend, her _boyfriend_  -- except, he probably didn’t want to be her boyfriend anymore, did he? Not after she had yelled at him for a good twenty minutes yesterday. Mind, that hadn’t been _all_ her fault, but -- How had this happened? Sure things were always…interesting…with James Potter, but she had thought their relationship would at least last longer than a few weeks! They hadn’t had a row this bad since fifth year!

Lily moaned as she dug her fingers into her hair. Bloody James Potter. Not that she didn’t like James, because, _Merlin_ , she liked him _so_ much. So so much. His laugh, his cheek, the way he was always up for anything, that spontaneity that so often got him in trouble but also made her laugh -- She had never -- He was so -- Being with him was almost --  _perfect_.

And she’d screamed in his face yesterday.

And, worse, he’d yelled right back.

“Nononono…” Lily folded over her knees, and she didn’t _mean_ to start crying, but here she was.

James Potter. He was supposed to be _her_ James Potter. _He_ certainly had a big chunk of _her_. But after dinner, she’d just seen him poking some girl and them laughing hysterically, and she’d flown off the handle. And it _still_ made her angry now, but…

But the best two weeks of her life, over now, all because she couldn’t reign in her temper. Oh, and James might forgive her, but -- she hated herself for thinking this now -- but Benion hadn’t been able to in the end. And James was far less forgiving than Benion. At this point, she started sobbing. How long would it take for James to figure out this was something she couldn’t change? That she’d always be picking fights? Losing her temper? Hurting him?

Maybe she should just break it off now, cleanly, instead of hanging desperately to the last few days. It would be the kind thing to do. James shouldn’t have to go through the pain of sticking with her. Except, she couldn’t -- she _couldn’t_ break up with him. She just _couldn’t_. Already, she could imagine the gaping hole that would be in her when he left.

***

By the time dawn rolled around, Lily couldn’t stand being still any longer. She got dressed and, though breakfast wouldn’t be served for another hour at least, left her dormitory and the common room with no other intention that to get _out_.

“Lily!”

No, she thought, she couldn’t deal with this right now. She tried to slip behind a tapestry, but of course, trying to hide from a Marauder in the halls of Hogwarts was practically impossible. James grabbed her around the arm and hauled her back.

“Listen, Potter —”

“Please, Lily?” James’s eyes were wide and pleading behind his glasses. His hair was even more of a helpless mess than usual. “Can we just —”

“Talk?” finished Lily, squaring her shoulders. She was a Gryffindor after all, even when at this moment she’d much rather be a coward. “I know what you’re going to say.”

“You… do?” The hand that wasn’t currently cutting off circulation in her arm was working its way through his hair at a frantic pace, even for James. “I mean – Do you? Or you do?’

“Are you even listening to yourself right now?” sighed Lily. _Why_ did have to be so adorable when he was about to break up with her?

James’s cheeks went pink. He laughed uncomfortably. “Haha, yeah that’s me, the idiot. But you know that don’t you, Lily? Haha…”

“Oh, cut that act,” said Lily, a little harsher than she intended, but _Merlin_ if the unshakable James getting nervous around her wasn’t attractive. She took a shaky breath, praying that her prickling eyes wouldn’t spill over. “I _know_ what you’re going to say. If not today, then soon.”

“I’m sorry?” offered James.

_I’m not going to cry. I’m not going to cry. I am_ not _going to --_

“Lily, are you _crying_?”

“No!” said Lily as she furiously wiped at her eyes.

“Oh Merlin. You are! I messed up. I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Lily, I --”

“But that doesn’t change anything now, does it?” choked Lily. James looked crestfallen, and she plunged on. “You know the truth now. You know I’m never going to --”

“Actually like me?”

Lily’s mouth dropped open. James looked very much like he’d just let something slip that he’d never meant to say aloud. His eyes were wide, and he quickly looked away, a furious blush blooming across his cheeks. Lily stared at him.

“That wasn’t what I was going to say at all.”

“Then…” whispered James. “What were you going to say?”

“That –" Lily took a deep breath and then let it all out in a rush. "That I know you’re going to break up with me!”

“Lily --”

“Shut up, Potter! I’m talking here!” Tears were welling up in Lily’s eyes. At this point she’d stopped trying to stop them. “I’ve been here before, okay? I’m too much for you. I get too angry at you. I can’t control my temper, and it doesn’t matter how sorry I am because I don’t know how to change. I _can’t_ change. And you better go now for your own goo…” Lily trailed off because James’s expression suddenly looked murderous.

“Are you _kidding_?” he growled at her. “Are you kidding me? Is this --” He gestured furiously between them “-- Is that all this means to you?”

Lily was still wiping tears off her face, and, frankly, James had her a little bit scared. “I – I --”

James ran both hands through his hair. “This is it? One _little_ mistake and you want to break up --”

“No -- James, that’s not what I meant --”

“Well, that’s sure what it sounded like!”

“James --”

“I thought I meant something to you, Evans! I thought _we_ meant something to you! But here you are, running at the first --”

“I’m just trying to do the right thing!” snapped Lily, blinking furiously. “After screaming at you, I know I hurt you, and I --”

“And you don’t care enough to try to fix it, so you’re just going to let it go?” snarled James.

“No! That’s not -- I…” James’s eyes were flashing dangerously. It reminded Lily of the first time he’d heard her called a “Mudblood slut,” and she had been scared then, too, but she had also realized he was her friend.

“Do you care about us or not?”

“Yes,” said Lily automatically.

“Then why are you giving up?”

“I’m not --”

“Yes, you are,” snapped James. “You’re giving up. Friends fight. Couples fight. But they _make up._ But you -- you won’t even _try --_ ”

“But don’t you understand?” pleaded Lily. “I don’t change. I _try_ , but I’ll always have a temper and you’ve _always_ brought it out in me. And we’re going to fight, again and again.”

“And we can make up,” said James. “Again and again. Merlin’s pants, Lily, if that weren’t true, how on earth do you think Padfoot and I’d still be friends after this long?”

“But you don’t think it will… I don’t know, wear down your self-esteem or something?”

“I might be mistaken,” said James drily. “But I thought that was your life goal since fifth year. And you haven’t much succeeded.”

Lily’s cheeks went red.

James looked baffled. He ruffled the back of his hair. “Merlin, Evans, but did you honestly think we couldn’t build on this?”

“I -- I just -- I think…” Lily wished she wasn’t a redhead, and her cheeks wouldn’t burn as hot. Faces passed in front of her eyes. Petunia, Bennion, Severus… “I guess I’m not used to making up, is all.”

“Well, we’ve made up, haven’t we?” said James. “I mean after all those rows in fifth year -- but we were able to get past that, weren’t we?”

It was true, and it was mostly due to James who always seemed to forgive her. Who, now that she thought about it, always seemed to forgive all his friends. Even when he and Sirius found something to argue about at least once a day. Or Peter ate the last piece of his mum’s almond fudge.

Lily ran her hands over her face. “I’m sorry,” she whispered. “I… I guess I was being stupid.”

“Yeah, you were,” said James. “Hannah Dart is the captain of the Hufflepuff team. She has a _boyfriend_. And you should _know_ I wouldn’t flirt. We were just railing on each other before the game.”

“You seemed to be have a lot of fun railing,” said Lily sullenly.

“Because she’s _Hufflepuff_.”

Lily didn’t quite get that, but to James it seemed obvious.

“You know, if this relationship is going to work, you’re going to have to trust me. Because I’m _never_ going to -- How could you even think --?”

James was getting angry again, and Lily was too -- because it had _looked_ like flirting, and maybe she’d jumped the gun, but how was she supposed to know? -- but James was right about one thing: she cared about this relationship and if there was a chance it was going to work out…

Well, hate it through she did, Lily was going to have to swallow her pride.

“I’m sorry,” she said over whatever James was spluttering. “Okay? I’m sorry I -- I made assumptions and started screaming at you in front of everyone in the Great Hall. If I had a problem -- Well, I guess I should have tried talking to you first.” Lily stared shamefaced at James’s shoes.

“Hey, Lils?” James reached out and tipped her chin up. He was wearing a bit of a sheepish grin. “I’m sorry, too. When I saw you were angry -- I should have realized that it was something important to you, and – and I shouldn’t have egged you on.”

“You were egging me on?” said Lily incredulously. “While I was yelling, you were --”

“You were jealous. I thought it was funny,” shrugged James. “But… I can see now that you thought I wasn’t taking you seriously. And in the end that just made both of us angry.”

Lily looked away. “Yeah, it did.”

“So what do you say?” asked James. “Can you forgive me, Lily?”

Lily felt her lips twitch slightly. “Only if you can forgive me for not trusting you.”

James didn’t even answer. He picked her up and started kissing her furiously. Lily loped her arms around his neck, kissing him back, working her fingers through his thick, perfect hair.

Too early, her feet hit the ground again. James rested his forehead on hers, smiling.

“For the record,” whispered Lily. “I will keep trying. Not to get so angry.”

James shook his head, still smiling. “Don’t try _too_ hard, Evans.”

Lily closed her eyes. “Don’t tell me I’m cute when I’m angry.”

“Well….”

Lily opened her eyes and glared. James put his hands up in the air.

“Okay, let’s put it this way. You get angry because you care. Passionately. I’d hate to see you lose that passion because you’re trying not to get angry.”

This time, Lily kissed him.

***

Much later, James looked up from the piece of toast he was eating. “Hey, Lily?”

Lily was pouring milk into her cereal. “Mm?”

“Why did you think I’d be so upset about you getting angry?”

Lily set down the milk. Severus, Petunia, Bennion… “It just seems,” she said slowly. “I’ve had a lot of relationships where… there was something wrong with me. Something someone wanted me to change -- that I just _couldn’t_. My temper, my abilities, my blood. I guess after everything I just thought you’d be the same.”

Lily could tell by the jump in his jaw, that what’s she’d said hadn’t made James happy. But he took a moment before replying.

“You thought I couldn’t take you as you are?”

Lily shrugged lightly. “No one likes being yelled at all the time,” she said simply. “And being with me is going to include some yelling.”

“And you think with our history I wasn’t already aware of that?”

Lily shrugged. “I don’t know. Maybe I thought you were so over-run with hormones you weren’t thinking.”

James choked on his toast. Lily patted him on his back. Then, slowly, a mischievous glint came to his eyes. “Don’t get me wrong,” he said. “You’re pretty enough to drive any bloke crazy. But…” He leaned down and whispered in Lily’s ear, “You’re dead sexy when you’re angry.”

Just as Lily was about to open her in mouth in protest, he straightened and added,

“I just prefer it when that fury isn’t directed at _me_.”


	4. Bonus

The spring flowers were dying, the summer heat was coming, and for the seventh years, it was time to pack up for the final time. For Mary, it meant another thing: as a final parting gift for the girls in her dormitory, Mary was putting together all the dream-boy lists from their years together, binding each girl’s from first year to seventh and giving everyone a copy. It seemed a fun way to sum up their years together. Her only regret was that she didn’t have one for Lily.

But as she flipped to the very back of her diary, she found a sheet of parchment she hadn’t seen before. At the top, in blue fancy letters was

_Lily’s Certainly-Not-Perfect-But-Still-Absolutely-Perfect-for-Her Boy_

And underneath were only two words:

_James Potter_

Mary screamed.


End file.
